EMPTY

JOKES

A collection of my favourite, accessible mathsy jokes and puns and memes to tell and share (they do not need any technical knowledge to 'get' and enjoy). Many are fairly well-known, and whilst some are most appropriate for the little ones in our lives, the joy for the rest of us lies in the telling. Like much of the 'Dad joke' genre, many will invoke the most glorious of cringes. Perfect for teachers to nonchalantly drop into a lesson, or to share with loved ones innocuously over dinner. And of course, every party needs a maths joke!

Teachers may find this blog by Professor of Mathematics Education at Vanderbilt University @ilana_horn on using humour in the maths classroom interesting. Matt Parker (@standupmaths) dissects how maths jokes work in this video from Numberphile. In this video Emeritus Professor of Mathematics at University College Cork Des MacHale looks at the role that humour plays in the teaching and understanding of mathematics, with some hilarious illustrations.

They are arranged in no particular order, and I have sourced the writer of the joke where known, or otherwise indicated where I first heard or came across a joke. In many cases I am either unaware of the source, or have otherwise heard them from too many sources to be sure of their origin. If you know a good and accessible mathsy joke or pun for the collection, please do add in the comments or tweet me (@mathsedideas).

 

Teacher: What's the biggest number?
Pupil: 5624.
Teacher: What about 5625?
Pupil: Ooooh, I was so close!

Correlation does not imply causality, but the more I say things like that, the fewer people want to talk to me.

Did you know that Nelson had five children, but only one of them was called Horatio? That's Horatio of one to four.

I made a graph showing all my past relationships. It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.
― Source unknown

Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting.
― HT Steven Wright

Have you heard the one about the maths teacher who dreamed that he was addressing his class and woke up to find out that he was?
― HT Des MacHale in his wonderful book Comic Sections Plus

Not all maths puns are funny. Just sum.

5 out of 4 people have a problem understanding jokes about fractions.
― Source unknown

I've just eaten an abacus. I've always said, "It's what inside that counts."

Q: What so you get if you divide 22 sheep into 7 pens?
A: A Shepherd's Pi.

Q: How are mathematicians like the air force? A: They both use pi lots. ― Source unknown

Q: What does a cow use to compute?
A: A cowculator.
― Source unknown

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
A: A pumpkin pi.
― Source unknown

88.2% of statistics are made up on the spot.

Numbers have never been my thirte.

Student: Teacher, I can't solve this problem. Teacher: What?! Any five year old should be able to solve this one. Student: No wonder I can't do it then, I'm nearly ten!

Q: How do you stay warm in an empty room? A: Go stand in the corner — it’s always 90 degrees.
― Source unknown

I was horrible in school… I failed math so many times I can't even count.

Five ants rented an apartment with another five ants. Now they're tenants.
Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. They only have enough for two beers. The first says, "I'll have a beer, please.” The second says, “I’ll have a half a beer.” The third says, “I'll have half of a half a beer." The fourth says...
― Source unknown

Q: What is never odd or even?
A: A Palindrome.

3 and 5 got married. They are an odd couple.
― Source unknown

I just realized that the word “seven” has ‘even’ in it. That’s odd.

I hired a handy man and gave him a list of things to do. When I got home, only numbers 1, 3, and 5 were done. Turns out, he only does odd jobs.

Infinity: Everyone keeps thinking I'm a number.
Me: Don't let that get you down. We all know you're bigger than that.
― HT @howie_hua

My pin is the last four digits of pi.

I was in my car doing 30 miles an hour and a friend of mine phoned me. He said, “I'm 5 miles ahead of you and doing 29 miles an hour.” I said, “I'll catch up with you later.”

Me: I have a petrifying fear of the vertical axis.
Therapist: Why?
Me: Aaaaaarrrrgggghhh!!!

Q: What did the triangle say to the circle?
A: “You’re pointless.”
― Source unknown

I though I'd never understand angles, but then I did a complete 360.
Q: What did the zero say to the eight?
A: "Nice belt!"
― Source unknown

Q: What works faster than a calculator?
A: A calcusooner.
Q: Why should you wear glasses during maths class? A: It improves division.
― Source unknown

In a graph, the thickness of the curve is inversely proportional to the reliability of the data.

A policeman one evening came across a drunk who was on his knees crawling round and round a huge tree trunk which he was feeling with his hands.
    "Look Sir," he said to him, "why don't you just go home?"
    "I'd love to," said the drunk, "but I'm completely surrounded by this tree."
― HT Des MacHale in his wonderful book Comic Sections Plus

Q: Did you hear the one about the Statistician?
A: Probably.
― Source unknown

Ten maths teachers that have taught me: 1) Mr Reid, 2) Mrs Spry, 10) Mr Pink.

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
― Source unknown

Q: What do you call a teapot of boiling water on top of mount Everest?
A: A high-pot-in-use.
― Source unknown

Father: If I have six coconuts and I gave you two, how many would I have left?
Son: I don't know. At school we do all our arithmetic in apples and oranges.

Q: What’s a math teacher’s favourite kind of tree?
A: Geometry.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix so don't drink and derive.
Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same? 10 + 10 = twenty and 11 + 11 = twenty too.
― Source unknown

Maths is hard, 15 + 15 is thirty, but 16 + 16 is thirty too.
I'm not normally late for my maths lessons, he hastened to add.

Q: Which triangles are the coldest? A: Ice-sosceles triangles.
― Source unknown

If you're cold and there's a right-angled triangle nearby, stand in the corner opposite the hypotenuse. It's always 90° over there.
― Source unknown

My maths teacher asked me to draw a square. I drew a circle so my teacher said “You’re an idiot. Go and stand in the corner.” I said “Where’s that?"
Q: Why are obtuse angles so depressed? A: Because they’re never right.
― Source unknown

I'm a bit nervous about my maths exam. Think my chances of passing it are 40-40.

I called a local restaurant the other night and said, “Do you do takeaways?” They said “Yes”, so I said “what’s 23452 minus 345?”

Teacher: If you have £5 in you left pocket and £2.50 in your right pocket, what would you have?
Student: Someone else's trousers on.
― Source unknown

Teacher: If there are ten crows sitting on a wall and I shoot one, how many will be left?
Johnny: None.
Teacher: You don't know much about arithmetic, Johnny.
Johnny: And you don't know much about crows, teacher!
― HT Des MacHale in his wonderful book Comic Sections Plus

(P+L)(O+T) = PO+PT+LO+LT And thus the plot was foiled!

I have a maths joke, but it doesn’t add up.
― Source unknown

Q: Why was 10 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7 8 9.
Q: But why did 7 eat 9?
A: Because you’re supposed to eat 3² meals a day.
― Source unknown

Me: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Person: I don't know, why?
Me: Approximately -0.8959441702
Q: Why is 6 afraid of π?
A: I don't know; it’s an irrational fear. ― Source unknown

Q: Why is 69 afraid of 70?
A: Because they fought once, and 71.
― Source unknown.

Q: Why is ε afraid of ζ?
A: Because ζ η θ.
― [Explainer: Q: Why is epsilon afraid of zeta? A: Because zeta eta theta.]
Approximately 3.14% of sailors are pi-rates. ― Adapted from @ThePunnyWorld

Child: My maths teacher is crazy.
Parent: Why?
Child: Yesterday she told us that five is 4+1; today she is telling us that five is 3 + 2.
― Source unknown

Q: What so you get if you divide 22 sheep into 7 pens? A: A Shepherd's Pi (approximately). ― HT @DadJokeMan

Q: Why aren’t jokes in base 8 funny?
A: Because 7 10 11.

Q: How do you make the number one disappear?
A: You just add a G and it's gone.
Q: Why did the two fours skip lunch? 
A: They already eight!
― Source unknown

Q: What do mathematicians [or maths teachers] do when they are constipated?
A: They work it out with a pencil.
Q: What kind of pencil?
A: A number 2 pencil, of course.
― Source unknown

“Take a positive integer n. No, wait, n is too large; take a positive integer k.”
Q: How do you make 7 even?
A: You take away S.
― HT @pickover

Q: Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? A: Because then it would be a foot.
― Source unknown

Doctor: How bad is your pain on a scale of 1-10? Me: π Doctor: ? Me: It's not too bad but it goes on forever. ― Source unknown

For the three o’clock race, I backed a horse at ten to one. It came in at a quarter past four.
19 and 20 got into a fight. 21.
I had an argument with a 90° angle. It turns out it was right.
― Source unknown

A shepherd said to me, “We’ve got 68 sheep. Can you round them up for me?” I said, “Sure, how about 70?”
Q: Two cats swim across a river. One is called "One Two Three", the other is called "Un Deux Trois." Which cat survives? A: "One Two Three" because un deux trois cat sank.
― Source unknown

Frenchman (showing me his yachts): "This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six."
Me: Where is the 5th?
Frenchman: Cinq.
Q: What is the volume of a pizza with radius z and thickness a? A: Pizza (or Pi-zza). ― Source unknown

Q: What do you get if you divide 22 sheep into 7 pens? A: A shepherd's pi...

Q: How do maths teachers admonish their pupils?
A: “If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n + 1 times.”
― Source unknown

One angle in a quadrilateral said to its opposite, ‘if you’re 37 degrees, what am I’? The other replied, ‘I don’t know, I’m not cyclic’.
― HT @cjshore

Q: How many teachers does it take to do a subtraction problem?
A: One, because it only takes one teacher to make a difference.
― HT @howie_hua

A Mathematician, a Physicist and an Engineer were travelling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
    “Aha”, said the Engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”     “Mmmmm”, ponders the Physicist, “you mean that some Scottish sheep are black.”     “No no no”, asserts the Mathematician, “all we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
― Source unknown

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals. IM LIVID.
There are II types of people in the world: those who like Roman numerals, and those who don't. 
― Source unknown

The cost of joining the Roman Numeral Society was exactly £499 They wouldn't let me in because I didn't have ID.
― Source unknown

Q: Who is in favour for bringing Roman numerals back into use?
A: I for one.

I do struggle with Roman Numerals until I get to 159, then it just CLIX.
― Source unknown

I just woke up from a strange dream about the Roman numerals 5, 4, 1, and 500. I’ve got such a VIVID imagination.

I once visited an exclusive Roman toilet on the 6th floor. It was the VI P room.

While the rest of the Roman numerals were impolite to each other, 100, 4, 1 and 50 remained CIVIL.

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, "Five beers, please."
― Source unknown

Q: What did the maths teacher say when her pet parrot died?
A: "Polygon!"
― Source unknown

Q: What do you call a number that sleepwalks?
A: A Roamin' numeral.
― Source unknown

My calculator stopped working mid way through my exam. I can't count on it any more.

Q: What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse? A: Hexagon.
― Source unknown

"I am, at a rough estimate, 30 billion times more intelligent than you. Let me give you an example: think of a number, any number."     "Err... five," said the mattress.     “Wrong," said Marvin. "You see?" ― HT Douglas Adams in The Hitchiker's Guide To The Galaxy

Q: Why was the quadrilateral late for School?
A: He got on the rhombus.

Q: How does a mathematician plough fields?
A: With a pro-tractor.
― Source unknown

Q: Why did the student get upset when her teacher called her average?
A: Because it was a ‘mean’ thing to say.
― Source unknown

Q: What do maths teachers call retirement?
A: The aftermath.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He tried to work it out with a pencil — but he couldn’t budget.
Q: Why did the boy refuse to drink the water with eight ice cubes in it?
A: Because it’s too cubed!

i was arguing with π . "Get real," said π. i said, "You're being irrational." ― Source unknown

An excited son says, ‘I got 100% in math class today!’ ‘That’s great,’ his Mom replies. ‘Yes,’ the son replies, ‘I got 50% on my homework and 50% on my quiz!’

Q: Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?
A: In charge of the sequence Yoda was.
To the person who invented zero: thanks for nothing.
― Source unknown

Q: How does a ghost solve a quadratic equation? A: By completing the scare.

Did you hear the one about the ghost who earned 14% on his math exam? He made a lot of boo-boos.

I came across a mathematician stirring a cauldron in the middle of an open clearing. One by one, she added the eye of a newt, two whiskers from a black cat, a pinch of wolf’s bane, a dash of bat’s blood, three hairs from a mermaid, the ear of a troll, and finally a dollup of dragon’s breath. I asked her, ‘Why don’t you just add everything at the same time?’ ‘Oh, no,’ she said. ‘To make an effective potion, the ingredients must be integrated by parts.’

Q: What does a math teacher say to his students on Halloween?
A: Trig or treat!

Q: Why do mathematicians always confuse Halloween and Christmas?
A: Because 31 Oct = 25 Dec.
― [Explainer: 31 in base-8 (Octal) = 25 in base-10 (Decimal). In base-8 31 means 3 × 8 + 1, which is 25.]

I have a scary joke about math but I'm 2² to say it.
― HT @_dmarian

A man was walking through the Alexander Nevsky Monastery when he heard someone say, “x² + 2x = (x)(x + 2).” Sure that his mind was playing tricks on him, he kept walking, but then he heard, “x² + 2x + 1 = (x + 1)².” He paused again, then heard, “x³ – 4x² – 7x + 10 = (x – 1)(x + 2)(x – 5).” Concerned, he approached a cemetery worker. “Why do I keep hearing math equations?” he asked.
    “Oh, that’s Leonhard Euler,” said the worker. “He’s decomposing.”
I challenged 1 to a fight.  He brought 3, 5, 7 and 9 with him. I knew the odds were against me.
― Source unknown

Q: How many tents can fit in a campground?
A: Ten, because ten tents make a whole.

What happens if you get scared hslf to death twice?
― Source unknown

Eating too much cake is the sin of gluttony. However, eating too much pie is OK because the Sin of Pi is 0.

Q: How many seconds are there in a year?
A: Twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd…
― Source unknown

Did you know Irish people are really good at maths? It's because they love Dublin.
― Source unknown

Teacher: If I had eight flies on my desk and I swatted one, how many would be left?
Student: One: The dead one.
Q: Where do mathematical fish live?
A: Indices.
― Source unknown

Q: Why should you worry about a maths teacher holding a piece of graph paper?  
A: Because they are definitely plotting something.
― Source unknown

I had a hen that could count her own eggs. She was a mathemachicken.
There are three types of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't.
― Source unknown

I know a lot of people hate math, but half of us are good at it. You know, half the world is technical above the 50th percentile, right? And if you don’t know what that means, you’re below it. Sorry, that’s a mean joke. It’s about averages.
― Sammy Obeid, via mathjokes4mathyfolks

There are two types of people in this world: 1) Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
― Source unknown

China has a population of around a billion people. That means that even if you're a 'one in a million' type of person, there are still 1000 others exactly like you.
― Source unknown

People who do binary jokes are the first thing I would put in Room 5.
― HT @paulsinha

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, those that don’t and those that weren’t expecting this joke to be in base 3.
 
The vector was walking down Cartesian drive when he bumped into a confused Scalar. The vector asked him what was wrong, and he replied, "Help, I have no direction."
― Source unknown

Q: What sound does a drowning mathematician make?
A: ‘log log log log log log log …’

Knock.
Knock.
Knock Knock.
Knock Knock Knock.
Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Fibonacci.
― Source unknown

Do you want to hear my latest joke about the Fibonacci sequence? It’s as good as my previous two jokes about the Fibonacci sequence put together.
― Source unknown

Q: Is the Fibonacci sequence hard to understand?
A: No, it’s as easy as 1, 1, 2, 3.
― Source unknown

Q: What did the circle say to the tangent?
A: "Stop touching me!"
― Source unknown

Q: Why did ⅕ go to the masseuse?
A: Because it was two-tenths.
Old mathematicians never die. They just lose some of their functions.
― Source unknown

A few puns make me numb. But maths puns make me number.
― Source unknown

Q: How can you tell if a mathematician is extroverted?
A: When talking to you they look at your shoes instead of theirs.
― Source unknown

Q: What does the "B" in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? A: Benoit B Mandelbrot.
― Source unknown
― [Explainer: Mandelbrot was a mathematician well-known for his work on fractals, a word he coined. A fractal is an infinitely complex geometric pattern that is self-similar across different scales. Interestingly, Mandelbrot added the middle initial 'B' himself, which actually stood for nothing. Perhaps he did it to facilitate this joke!]

When you keep missing maths class it starts to really add up.

Q: Why isn’t every man in a red suit with a beard Father Christmas?
A: Because correlation doesn’t imply Claus-ality.

Q: Why do sets only have one median?
A: Because if there were two, they would be called comedians.
― HT @howie_hua

Q: How many seconds are there in a year? 
A: There are 12 seconds in a year: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd….
― HT @cruz4thought

Q: Where are mathematicians buried?
A: The Symmetry.

Approximately 3.14% of sailors are pi-rates.
― Adapted from @ThePunnyWorld

Jesus and his disciples were walking one day, when Jesus said, "The Kingdom of Heaven is like y²=4ax."  The disciples were puzzled, and asked Peter, "What does Jesus mean - the Kingdom of Heaven is like y²=4ax?  Peter said, "Don't worry.  It's just another one of his parabolas."
 
Many things in math make me feel numb, but divisibility by 2 makes me even number.
― HT @archernikov

If I had to describe myself in three words, I would say: “Not very good at maths.”
― Source unknown.

Q: Where can you go to practice math on New Year’s Eve? 
A: Times Square. 

Teacher: 874362, 874361, 874360...
Pupil: What are you doing?
Teacher: I am determined to count backwards from one million; I will stop at nothing.
― Adapted from @geoff_tibballs

A statistician got soaking wet trying to cross a river. He thought he could cross, because it was one-foot deep on average.
― Source unknown.

I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch. He could binomials.
― Source unknown.

Q: Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
A: Because it's two gross.
― Source unknown.

Exponentiation isn't my favourite mathematical notation... but it's definitely up there.
― HT @howie_hua

Q: How did the number feel when it lost 1/3 of itself?
A: numb.
― HT @howie_hua

I’m reading a book on probability theory. What are the chances of me finishing it?
― Source unknown.

Diner to Waiter: What are the ingredients of Fibonacci’s soup?
Waiter to Diner: Yesterday’s soup, the day before yesterday’s soup, the day before the day before yesterday’s soup, …
― Source unknown.

Counting in binary is as easy as 01 10 11.
― Source unknown.

Q: Why is 69 afraid of 70?
A: Because they fought once, and 71.
― Source unknown.

The minus sign was talking to the positive sign. The minus sign asked, “Are you sure I make a difference?” and the other sign said “I’m positive!”
― Source unknown.

Forensics is equal to 10.
My grandfather passed away aged 101. He died in his prime.
Person A: "i is..."
Person B: "No no, that's grammatically incorrect. It's 'I am...'"
Person A: OK... i am an imaginary number."
― HT @howie_hua

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? She'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
― HT @monsoon0

Q: What do you call friends who love maths?
A: Algebros.
― Source unknown.

Q: Why did the mathematical tree fall over? A: Because it had no real roots.
― Source unknown.

Pupil: Why did you divide sin by tan? Teacher: Just cos.
― Source unknown.

Why do teenagers travel in threes?
Because they can’t even.
― Source unknown.

Q: How many ears did Alexander Dumas have?
A: Five: A left ear, a right ear, and three musketeers.

I got an F in algebra. I took it home. My mom was furious. She’s like, ‘You failed algebra?!’ I’m like, ‘That’s not what that means. That’s an F, a variable, an unknown. We don’t know what F means. It could mean I failed, but it probably just means I’m fantastic.’
― Mike Vecchione, via mathjokes4mathyfolks

Person A: I don’t understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.
Person B: Look, you have to draw the line somewhere. Or else people might think you’re being irrational. But that’s beside the point.
― Source unknown.

The improper fraction help desk is open 24/7.

Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton and Blaise Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein closes his eyes, counts to ten, then starts looking for the others. Pascal is nowhere to be found, but Newton is standing directly in front of the Pope. There is a 1m by 1m box drawn on the ground in chalk, and Newton is standing in it.
    Einstein says, "Newton, you're rubbish at this game! I've found you."
    "No you haven't," says Newton, You've found Pascal: I'm one Newton per square metre!"

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